Non-Transactional Sincerity

October 12, 2026 · Jia Hau

I was once accused at work of something I didn't do. Afterwards my mind spent a lot of effort on questions:

Each question sounded reasonable. Some were even kind. But they all did the same job: they tried to settle an account, working out who owed what, and whether I was guilty, unlucky, tested, or the one who ought to forgive.

Eventually I saw that the answers didn't matter. The question worth asking was a different one: do I still treat this person with the same sincerity as before, or am I keeping a tab of what they did, or seem to have done?

Nobody can finish the audit

There is an old French saying:

Tout comprendre,

To understand all

c'est tout pardonner.

is to forgive all.

French proverb

The trouble is the word all. To understand all, I would have to know the other person's history and wounds, the politics of the workplace, the weak points of everyone involved including me, and, if they exist, karma and the stars. Nobody has that.

Grant the most generous case, where everything is physical and nothing is hidden. In 1814 Laplace imagined a mind that knew the position and momentum of every particle in the universe and could therefore work out its entire past and future (Essai philosophique sur les probabilités). Even that mind is out of reach. An exact position takes unlimited precision to measure, and a universe with finite energy cannot pay for unlimited precision. A mind that held the state of everything would also have to be as large as the universe, and it could not hold itself. Knowing all is ruled out by physics, before any question of faith.

A black field scattered with thousands of galaxies of many shapes and colours
The Hubble Ultra Deep Field: a patch of sky about the size of a grain of sand held at arm's length. Almost every speck is a galaxy. Laplace's mind would need every particle in all of them, and in everything outside the frame. Image: NASA/ESA, public domain, via Wikimedia Commons.

Theology arrives at the same limit from the other side. Thomas Aquinas argues that no created mind, not even one that sees God, can know everything that God does or can do (Summa Theologiae I, q.12, a.8).

So the audit can't be finished. Partial understanding is also the risky kind, because it tends to support whichever verdict I had already picked. That can produce a fallacious view of the situation, and the view can harden in a vicious cycle of ever-deepening self-fulfilling prophecies. The questions above were this audit, kind ones included.


Where the heart rests

If the audit can't be finished, the question is what to do instead. Several traditions point at the same thing in different words, something I think the reader already has deep inside: stop leaning on your own understanding, and put your heart somewhere the account can't reach. The Hebrew Bible says it like this:

בְּטַ֣ח אֶל־יְ֭הוָה

Trust in the LORD

בְּכָל־לִבֶּ֑ךָ

with all your heart,

וְאֶל־בִּֽ֝ינָתְךָ֗

and do not lean

אַל־תִּשָּׁעֵֽן׃

on your own understanding.

Proverbs 3:5, Westminster Leningrad Codex

And in the Gospels, the heart is given a name:

ὁ δὲ ἔφη αὐτῷ·

He said to him:

Ἀγαπήσεις κύριον τὸν θεόν σου

"You shall love the Lord your God

ἐν ὅλῃ τῇ καρδίᾳ σου

with all your heart

καὶ ἐν ὅλῃ τῇ ψυχῇ σου

and with all your soul

καὶ ἐν ὅλῃ τῇ διανοίᾳ σου·

and with all your mind."

Matthew 22:37, SBL Greek New Testament (CC BY 4.0)

"Your heart in God" thus means to love; the first letter of John goes as far as saying that God is love (1 John 4:8).

I cite these as illuminating hints, not as proof. They point at something everyone has already experienced from the inside, most purely when they were a baby, before any account was kept: trusting, responding and giving without calculation. No scripture is needed to confirm it, and that is why every other lens is optional:

Seen materially,
a chain of biochemical reactions led up to the accusation.

Seen spiritually,
it could be a test from Satan or from God.

Seen through the dharma,
my past-life karma may have come to ripen.

Seen psychologically,
the people involved may have had abusive upbringings.

Any of these may be true, and none of them changes what is asked of me: to act out of love and sincerity.

I don't need to settle any metaphysics to use this. I read "God" here as one tradition's name for what a person holds highest, and a reader from another tradition, or none, can put their own word there. In fact, the practical implications of this article don't even care about your theological stance (or the lack thereof), because that's the point: you don't need to fully understand in order to act fully in a self-verifiable way. It's like seeing without knowing how light works, where it lands in our eyes, how it gets converted into biochemical and electrical neural signals, and how it ends at the visual cortex. This fundamental, practical way of life extends to the whole theological spectrum, from atheism to pantheism.


One thread in three old phrases

Three phrases have stayed with me for years without my seeing what they had in common. The common thing is that none of them is a transaction.

Feeling. The Great Learning says that sincerity means not deceiving yourself, and gives an image for it:

所謂誠其意者,

What is meant by making one's intentions sincere is:

毋自欺也。

do not deceive yourself.

如惡惡臭,

Be like hating a bad smell,

如好好色。

be like loving a beautiful colour.

禮記·大學 (Great Learning)

You don't weigh the benefits of loving a beautiful colour, or the drawbacks of hating a bad smell. The response comes first and needs no justification.

A pink peony covered in drops of dew
A beautiful colour. Nobody weighs the benefits first. Photo: Randi Hausken, CC BY-SA 2.0, via Wikimedia Commons.

Giving. In the Diamond Sutra, the Buddha tells Subhūti how a bodhisattva should give:

復次,須菩提,

अपि तु खलु पुनः सुभूते

Furthermore, Subhūti,

菩薩於法,應無所住,行於布施。

न बोधिसत्त्वेन वस्तुप्रतिष्ठितेन दानं दातव्यम्, न क्वचित्प्रतिष्ठितेन दानं दातव्यम्।

a bodhisattva should give without dwelling on anything.

所謂不住色布施,

न रूपप्रतिष्ठितेन दानं दातव्यम्।

That is: not dwelling on form when giving,

不住聲、香、味、觸、法布施。

न शब्दगन्धरसस्प्रष्टव्यधर्मेषु प्रतिष्ठितेन दानं दातव्यम्।

nor on sound, smell, taste, touch, or mental objects.

須菩提,菩薩應如是布施,

एवं हि सुभूते बोधिसत्त्वेन महासत्त्वेन दानं दातव्यं

Subhūti, a bodhisattva should give in just this way,

不住於相。

यथा न निमित्तसंज्ञायामपि प्रतितिष्ठेत्।

not dwelling on marks.

金剛般若波羅蜜經 (Diamond Sutra), Kumārajīva's Chinese translation, beside the Sanskrit Vajracchedikā Prajñāpāramitā (ed. P. L. Vaidya, 1961). Giving without dwelling on marks (不住相佈施) is the usual shorthand.

The two are close, with one difference I find telling. The Chinese ends on "mark" or "appearance" (相). The Sanskrit ends on nimitta-saṃjñā, the notion of a sign. So what the bodhisattva must not rest on is not only the giver, the receiver and the gift, the three parties to an exchange, but the idea that there are such things. Not dwelling on them means not keeping the books.

Trusting. Last, the saying attributed to Jesus after Thomas demanded to see before believing:

λέγει αὐτῷ ὁ Ἰησοῦς·

Jesus says to him:

Ὅτι ἑώρακάς με πεπίστευκας;

"Because you have seen me, have you believed?

μακάριοι οἱ μὴ ἰδόντες

Blessed are those who have not seen

καὶ πιστεύσαντες.

and yet have believed."

John 20:29, SBL Greek New Testament (CC BY 4.0).

Waiting for proof turns trust into a purchase: show me the goods, and then I will pay. Believing first treats the relationship as something other than a contract.

The difference between giving and trading shows in how Mencius describes the sage-king Shun:

舜明於庶物,察於人倫;

Shun understood the many things and examined human relations;

由仁義行,

he acted from benevolence and righteousness,

非行仁義也。

he did not practise benevolence and righteousness.

孟子·離婁下 (Mencius 4B19)

To practise benevolence is to run the numbers: look at what this person did before, what people like them tend to do, which response has worked in the past, and then produce the behaviour that fits. It can look identical to love, and it can be performed for an effect, such as to look generous, to win someone over, or to feel like a good person. To act from love is for the behaviour to flow from the source, whatever the data says.

I'm not saying that calculation is unimportant. But the best algorithm is the one that can adapt on the spot, and I think only true sincerity can do that. It feels almost like a natural response. That is what "loving a beautiful colour" (如好好色) was pointing at, and it is why the question I keep coming back to is not "am I behaving well?" but "where am I acting from?"

So here is my claim. Feeling, giving and trusting are one faculty, pointed in three directions. It is the ability to act without expecting to be paid in evidence, reward or recognition, or out of fear of divine punishment or karmic consequences. And it is not a default setting. Like taste or hearing, it is dull until it is trained.


Not the same as acting on impulse

"Acting without reasons" can mean two very different things. A person can act without reasons because they never examined themselves. A person can also act without reasons because they went through the reasons and came out the other side. From outside, the two look the same.

Classical writers kept pointing at this difference. Confucius said that he set his heart on learning at fifteen, and only at seventy could he follow what his heart desired without overstepping the line (Analects 2.4).

Following the heart is the endpoint of fifty-five years of work, not the starting point. The butcher in the Zhuangzi says the same about his craft:

始臣之解牛之時,

When I first began cutting oxen,

所見无非牛者。

all I saw was ox.

三年之後,

After three years,

未嘗見全牛也。

I no longer saw the whole ox.

方今之時,

Now,

臣以神遇而不以目視,

I meet it with spirit and do not look with my eyes;

官知止而神欲行。

my senses stop, and my spirit moves as it wishes.

莊子·養生主 (Zhuangzi, "Nourishing the Lord of Life")

A single brown ox with long pale horns, standing whole in a pasture
What the butcher saw in his first year: a whole ox. Photo: National Park Service, public domain, via Wikimedia Commons.

What separates trained ease from impulse is the self-awareness behind the act.


The auto-labeller

Here is the picture that helped me most. Imagine a CCTV system that tags every person who comes into view automatically with a label and a bounding box: colleague, threat, friendly, accuser. You didn't write the labels, and the system runs on its own. After the accusation, it had a new label for that person, and everything I did afterwards started from it.

A busy street in Nakuru, Kenya, where every person, backpack, handbag, car and truck is outlined by a coloured box with a label and a confidence score
An auto-labelling system at work: every person and object gets a box, a label and a score, and nobody wrote them. Photo: Victor Kibiwott, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons. Boxes and labels added with the open-source YOLOv8 object detector.

I think this is what the Diamond Sutra means by "marks" or "appearances" (相). Dwelling on marks (住相) is trusting the labels as if they were the person.

Seeing this is sudden. One moment you take the labels for the world, and the next you notice that a labelling system is running. Changing the system is slow. The labels came from habits that were wired over years, and they don't disappear on the day you see them. The Chan tradition has an old name for the combination, sudden awakening followed by gradual cultivation (頓悟漸修), and Zongmi (宗密) argued that the two are not rivals:

頓漸非唯不相乖,

Sudden and gradual not only do not conflict;

反而乃互相資也。

they in fact help each other.

宗密, 禪源諸詮集都序 (Chan Prolegomenon)

In my case, the sudden part was dropping the questions. The gradual part was what came after. The alarm system kept lighting up with warnings about the "incidents," and it took real mental effort to hold my course anyway. I acted as if it had never happened, and by that I don't mean pretending the alarm wasn't ringing. I noticed it, didn't obey it, and didn't add to the tab. The effort was where the training happened.

Because I work with software, there is a way to say this that makes sense to me. The labels are the output of a model whose weights I never chose. If I take a materialistic view here, these weights are but neurological pathways that were inherited from my biological parents and shaped by my past experiences. My objective, to treat people with sincerity, comes from the weights too. It was instilled by years of learning and reading the sages' words and contemplating them deeply; I was not born knowing it (生而知之). Once instilled, it can be held fixed as the target that the other weights are adjusted against. This article is meant as the same kind of input, in the hope of kick-starting the same spark in you. Turning the question back on myself is like backpropagation: instead of blaming the data, I propagate the error back through my own weights and adjust them. Treating people transactionally is like optimizing a proxy, gratitude or reputation, instead of the thing the proxy stands for.

Keep the source clear, not the stream

The famous exchange in the Platform Sutra gives this effort a picture. Shenxiu wrote first:

身是菩提樹,

The body is the bodhi tree,

心如明鏡臺。

the mind is like a bright mirror on its stand.

時時勤拂拭,

Keep wiping it diligently,

勿使惹塵埃。

and let no dust settle.

神秀 (Shenxiu), 壇經 (Platform Sutra), Dunhuang manuscript

Huineng answered:

菩提本無樹,

Bodhi originally has no tree,

明鏡亦無臺。

the bright mirror has no stand.

佛性常清淨,

Buddha-nature is always pure,

何處有塵埃。

so where could dust be?

慧能 (Huineng), 壇經 (Platform Sutra), Dunhuang manuscript

Think of the mirror as a stream instead. The debris scattered along the stream's path is Shenxiu's dust, and clearing it by hand is his wiping. Huineng's "Buddha-nature is always pure" (佛性常清淨) is the spring: the source is already clear, so running water has nowhere for dust to settle. He doesn't deny that debris appears. He denies that clearing it is the work, and points back to the source, which only needs to keep running.points back to the source, which only needs to keep running.

So the biological alarms need no suppressing and no fighting; the effort goes elsewhere. Focus on being sincere and compassionate, on keeping the source of the spring running clean and steady, rather than worrying about, or actively clearing, the debris.

A clear emerald spring pool in a forest

A spring that is running

Ichetucknee Springs, Florida. State of Florida, photo by T. Scott, public domain, via Wikimedia Commons.

A dry stream bed in a wood, filled with stones and fallen branches

A bed where the water has stopped

Near Loggerheads, North Wales. Photo: Rept0n1x, CC BY-SA 3.0, via Wikimedia Commons.

Running water keeps itself clear. A bed where the water has stopped keeps whatever falls into it.

The verse is practical advice as well as metaphysics. Huineng awakened on hearing "give rise to the mind without dwelling anywhere" (應無所住而生其心) from the Diamond Sutra, the same line behind "giving without dwelling on marks" above, and that line is an instruction for how to live and not just a statement about reality.

What I found, eventually, is that the blocker was my own mind. I'm sure the event left a dent in both our brains (the amygdala tagging it as a threat, the hippocampus filing its context), but my own mental blocker was the one I could resolve. After the accusation, things got worse before they got better: my perception of John (a pseudonym), and the relationship along with it, soured. The system's label for John was loud: the accuser, the wronger of the innocent. I fought that noise with everything I had, against the biological straps holding me back, and started a conversation as if the accusation had never happened, and John talked to me as if nothing had happened either. The barrier, social and mental, collapsed under its own weight, and the prejudice that the system had attached to John faded. The stream cleanses itself as long as it keeps flowing steadily.

Whether the barrier was purely mental, purely social or both, and whether it was only my perception or reality, doesn't matter. What mattered was the relief of not needing to suppress my sincerity because of an unpleasant event. That would be like putting out the fireplace because of a snowstorm: utterly absurd.

That relief did not depend on John's reply. Had John stayed cold, I would still have felt it, because it came from knowing I had not let external circumstances kill my sincerity, and from being at ease with myself. John's warmth was a welcome extra, not the payment.

Meanwhile my body does what it does. The sympathetic-adrenal-medullary system injects adrenaline into the bloodstream, the HPA axis (hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal) follows with cortisol, and I tense up. Yet deep down, whether that place is physical, metaphysical, both or something else, the relief is felt.


Where to start

That leaves the practical question. If I haven't yet reached "like hating a bad smell, like loving a beautiful colour," how do I begin? There are two steps.

1. Have a goal. The old phrase for it is "setting one's aim" (立志). Cheng Yi calls it the foundation and says what it takes:

所謂立志者,

What is meant by setting one's aim is:

至誠一心,

to be wholly sincere in one mind,

以道自任,

to take the Way as one's own charge,

以聖人之訓為可必信。

and to hold the sages' teaching as certainly to be trusted.

程頤 (Cheng Yi), 近思錄 (Reflections on Things at Hand), ch. 8

Wang Yangming opens his instructions to his students with the same point: set your aim on being a sage, and you become one. Huineng told the Fifth Patriarch he had come for nothing else.

The goal, framed for the beginner, is the one the Doctrine of the Mean traces in the last section: to realise your own nature fully, then that of others and of all things, and so to assist the nurturing work of heaven and earth. It is framed for the beginner because for the sage there is no boundary between self, people, things and heaven, so nothing is left to aim at from outside.

I ask you to take this goal on trust, as Cheng Yi does when he says to hold the sages' teaching as certainly to be trusted (以聖人之訓為可必信). Don't stall on "what is even the right question to ask?" the way philosophers do. That is the endless audit again, and the sages have already walked this road.

2. Don't change it. Whatever the circumstances, keep the goal. Mencius gives the stance:

夭壽不貳,

Do not waver whether life is short or long;

修身以俟之,

cultivate yourself and await what comes.

所以立命也。

This is how one establishes one's destiny.

孟子·盡心上 (Mencius 7A1). Often written 夭壽不二 in modern shorthand; 貳 means to be of two minds. Some editions write 殀 for 夭.

Lifespan is the ultimate payoff, and refusing to let it change your course is refusing the ultimate transaction.

But an aim chosen on purpose looks like the calculation I warned against. At the start, it is. It feels deliberate and unnatural, and the Doctrine of the Mean gives this stage its own name:

誠者,天之道也;

Sincerity is the way of heaven;

誠之者,人之道也。

striving to be sincere is the way of humans.

誠者,不勉而中,不思而得,從容中道,聖人也;

The sincere hit the mark without effort and attain without thinking, moving easily along the way: these are the sages.

誠之者,擇善而固執之者也。

Those who strive to be sincere choose the good and hold fast to it.

禮記·中庸 (Doctrine of the Mean), ch. 20

So the goal, the deliberate effort and the awkwardness belong to the human way. The destination is sincerity with nothing transactional left in it. Wang Yangming, commenting on the Mencius line above, describes the two stages:

「知天」,如「知州」、「知縣」之「知」,

"Knowing heaven" is like the "knowing" in "know-prefecture" and "know-county",

是自己分上事,己與天為一。

it is one's own business, and one is one with heaven.

……

...

至於夭壽不貳其心,

As for not wavering in mind over short or long life,

乃是教學者一心為善,

it teaches learners to set their whole mind on doing good,

不可以窮通夭壽之故,便把為善的心變動了,

and not to let hardship, success or the length of life shake that mind;

只去修身以俟命。

only to cultivate oneself and await what comes.

王陽明, 傳習錄·上 (Wang Yangming, Instructions for Practical Living, upper volume)

Yangming gives the learner's task in the last lines: set the mind on doing good, and let neither hardship nor fortune shake it. That echoes "choose the good and hold fast" (擇善而固執之) above. The word "know" (知) in a magistrate's title means to be in charge, so to "know heaven" is to treat heaven's work, nurturing what is in front of you, as your own. That is the ideal, where the goal has dissolved into nature and the question of payment no longer arises.

What is the aim? The Great Learning opens with it:

大學之道,

The way of the Great Learning lies

在明明德,

in illuminating one's luminous virtue,

在親民,

in being close to the people,

在止於至善。

and in coming to rest in the highest good.

禮記·大學 (Great Learning)

These three phrases are usually called the "three guidelines," but I think they read better as three aspects of one goal. Illuminating one's luminous virtue (明明德) is the light within, a mind clear enough to see its own motives. Being close to the people (親民) is that light shining outward, so that the people near you are actually better off. Coming to rest in the highest good (止於至善) is resting in the highest good without conditions, which is what not wavering whether life is short or long (夭壽不貳) protects. The aim isn't first to be clear and later to be kind.

Notice that "closeness to people" radiates from the centre, starting with the people nearest you. I don't think of that as something to engineer. If the light is real, the radiation follows. The nearest people are also the hardest test, because the ledger runs most actively there.

The Gospels state the same aim in two sentences, and they are the barest statement of it I know. When asked which commandment is greatest, Jesus gives the one quoted earlier, to love God with all your heart, soul and mind, and then adds a second:

δευτέρα δὲ ὁμοία αὐτῇ·

"And a second is like it:

Ἀγαπήσεις τὸν πλησίον σου ὡς σεαυτόν.

You shall love your neighbour as yourself.

ἐν ταύταις ταῖς δυσὶν ἐντολαῖς

On these two commandments

ὅλος ὁ νόμος κρέμαται καὶ οἱ προφῆται.

hang the whole law and the prophets."

Matthew 22:39–40, SBL Greek New Testament (CC BY 4.0)

Look at what is missing. There is no "if" and no "because". It does not say to love your neighbour if they deserve it, if they love you back, or so that you will be rewarded, and the same goes for loving God. "As yourself" sets a measure, not a price. The only warrant given is the speaker. That is the same move as Cheng Yi's: the aim is received on trust, not derived from anything. A reader who does not take Jesus as an authority can still see the shape, which is an aim with nothing transactional in it.

That does not make the other commandments unimportant. The verse says the whole law and the prophets hang on these two, like a coat on a peg, and Paul draws the same conclusion: love does no harm to a neighbour, so love is the fulfilment of the law (Romans 13:10). The rest are not a second list to be worked through alongside the first. They are satisfied as a consequence of keeping these two.

The ledger's favourite move is to narrow the aim until it excuses me. In Luke's version of the scene, the man who asked wanted to justify himself and so asked, "And who is my neighbour?" (Luke 10:29). That is the audit again, applied to the question of who is owed love. In my story the answer was uncomfortably plain: John was the person next to me, and the commandment carries no exception for people who have accused me.

This is my reading, not a claim about what the passage meant to its first hearers. Loving God without condition lines up with coming to rest in the highest good (止於至善), and loving the neighbour without condition lines up with being close to the people (親民). Two commandments, like three aspects, are one aim seen from different sides.

The same structure, practice first and the rest as consequence, helps me with a neo-Confucian slogan: "preserve heaven's principle, extinguish human desires" (存天理,滅人欲). I used to read it as two practices, one of cultivating the good and one of fighting the bad. Now I read it as one practice and its consequence. Preserving heaven's principle (存天理) is the practice. Extinguishing the self-serving desires (滅人欲) is what follows when the practice is real. Mencius states the mechanism:

先立乎其大者,

First establish what is greater,

則其小者弗能奪也。

and the lesser cannot take it away.

孟子·告子上 (Mencius 6A15)

This is the picture of the spring and the debris again. Extinguishing desires by hand is Shenxiu's wiping, and keeping the source running is the practice. If the practice is real, the desires lose their hold without being hunted one by one. The reverse also holds: a person who only fights desires has made the fight the aim, and the ledger is back, now tracking how well they are resisting.

Since acting on impulse and acting from clarity feel identical from inside, I check outward, asking whether the people near me are actually better off and whether my aim holds when no one notices or nothing is repaid, and I would attach a few cautions even to that check.


Sincerity, not Naïveté

γίνεσθε οὖν φρόνιμοι ὡς οἱ ὄφεις

So be shrewd as serpents

καὶ ἀκέραιοι ὡς αἱ περιστεραί.

and innocent as doves.

Matthew 10:16, SBL Greek New Testament (CC BY 4.0)

It is one case. I am describing something that happened to me and how I responded to it. I don't claim that sincerity always dissolves conflict, or that it should replace other responses.

It doesn't mean never acting. Acting without a goal is blind, and the goal is simple: what can I do to nudge this person further towards their maximum self-actualization? The same question applies to everything, not only to people, and the Doctrine of the Mean traces the chain outward from sincerity:

唯天下至誠,為能盡其性;

Only the utmost sincere person under heaven can fully realise their own nature.

能盡其性,則能盡人之性;

Able to fully realise their own nature, they can help others fully realise theirs.

能盡人之性,則能盡物之性;

Able to help others realise theirs, they can help all things realise theirs.

能盡物之性,則可以贊天地之化育。

Able to help all things realise theirs, they can assist the transforming and nourishing work of heaven and earth.

禮記·中庸 (Doctrine of the Mean), ch. 22

In my case the answer was that no further action was needed. In others, a boundary, a correction or a refusal may be the right nudge, including for the person who is behaving badly. What I changed was the ledger, not a rule about whether to respond.

It doesn't mean giving up understanding. Love tells me what to aim at, not how to hit it. Nobody cooks well on love and sincerity alone: technique has to be learnt, and so do listening, negotiating, and setting a boundary without cruelty. That learning is the serpent's shrewdness. The non-stop mental audit, the running verdict on my own motives and other people's, will keep running on its own, and I don't try to stop it. I just don't hand it the final say, and I keep my attention on the source of the spring. The audit is welcome as secondary data, but the final call rests on conscience, which some traditions call God. I check that call by asking where the nudge comes from: a boundary set to help someone grow is a different act from the same boundary set to punish them.

The check is only as clear as the viewer. A dim mind reads its own reflection generously. That is why I look at what happens to the people near me, not only at what I feel.

Aiming at non-transactionality can become a transaction. "I give freely so that I become a better person" is still a trade. The Diamond Sutra sees this coming:

如是滅度無量無數無邊眾生,

एवमपरिमाणानपि सत्त्वान् परिनिर्वाप्य

Having thus liberated countless, innumerable, boundless beings,

實無眾生得滅度者。

न कश्चित्सत्त्वः परिनिर्वापितो भवति।

in truth no being has been liberated.

金剛般若波羅蜜經 (Diamond Sutra), ch. 3, with the Sanskrit from Vaidya's edition

Even "I am benefiting others" can turn into a mark, a picture of myself as the benefactor. I don't think I have solved that problem. I just try to notice when I am doing it.


The short version

Sincerity is a sense, not a mood. It is dull until trained, it is checked by whether the people near you are better off, and it starts with an aim you keep fixed no matter what happens. Training it takes two steps: set your aim on being a sage (立志做聖人), then hold it, whatever happens.

Sources

All translations are my own. A few notes on the texts:

非交易性的真誠

2026年10月12日 · Jia Hau

我曾在工作中被人指控,而那件事我並沒有做過。事後,我的腦子花了很多力氣在追問:

每個問題聽起來都合理,有些甚至很善意。但它們做的是同一件事:試圖結清一筆帳,算出誰欠了誰,我究竟是有罪、倒霉、受考驗,還是那個應當原諒的人。

後來我才明白,這些答案並不重要。值得問的是另一個問題:我對這個人,是否仍像從前一樣真誠?還是我在記一本帳,記著他做過的,或看起來做過的事?

沒有人能審完這筆帳

法國有一句諺語:

Tout comprendre,

知曉一切,

c'est tout pardonner.

便能饒恕一切。

法國諺語

麻煩出在「一切」二字。要知曉一切,我得知道對方的經歷與傷痕、職場的政治、牽涉其中每個人的弱點(包括我自己的),如果業報和星象存在,還得算上它們。沒有人擁有這些資訊。

就算退一步,設想最寬厚的情形:一切都是物理的,沒有任何東西被隱藏。1814年,Laplace 設想過一個心智,它知道宇宙中每個粒子的位置與動量,因此能推算出宇宙的全部過去與未來(《機率的哲學論綱》)。即便是這樣的心智也不可企及。精確的位置需要無限的精度才能測得,而能量有限的宇宙付不起無限的精度。一個裝得下萬物狀態的心智,自身也得和宇宙一樣大,而它無法裝下它自己。「知道一切」,在談到信仰之前,就已被物理學排除。

一片漆黑的天空,散佈著數以千計形狀與顏色各異的星系
哈勃超深空場:天空中約相當於手臂伸直時一粒沙子大小的一小塊,裡面幾乎每個光點都是一個星系。Laplace 的心智需要掌握其中每一個粒子,以及畫面之外的一切。 圖片:NASA/ESA,公有領域,來自維基共享資源。

神學從另一端抵達了同樣的界限。Thomas Aquinas 論證,沒有任何受造的心智,即便它得見上帝,也不能知道上帝所做和所能做的一切(《神學大全》第一集第12題第8節)。

所以這筆帳審不完。而且,只理解一部分恰恰最危險,因為它往往只會支援我早已選定的判決。這會造成對處境的錯誤看法,而這種看法會在惡性迴圈中越陷越深,成為愈演愈烈的自我應驗預言。上面那些問題就是這種審計,善意的也不例外。


心安放的地方

既然審不完,該怎麼辦?好幾個傳統用不同的話指向同一件事,我相信讀者心底本就知道:不要再倚靠自己的理解,把心放在帳目夠不著的地方。希伯來聖經是這樣說的:

בְּטַ֣ח אֶל־יְ֭הוָה

你要專心仰賴耶和華,

בְּכָל־לִבֶּ֑ךָ

用盡你的心,

וְאֶל־בִּֽ֝ינָתְךָ֗

不可倚靠

אַל־תִּשָּׁעֵֽן׃

自己的聰明。

箴言 3:5,Westminster Leningrad Codex

在福音書裡,這顆心有了名字:

ὁ δὲ ἔφη αὐτῷ·

耶穌對他說:

Ἀγαπήσεις κύριον τὸν θεόν σου

「你要愛主你的神,

ἐν ὅλῃ τῇ καρδίᾳ σου

盡心,

καὶ ἐν ὅλῃ τῇ ψυχῇ σου

儘性,

καὶ ἐν ὅλῃ τῇ διανοίᾳ σου·

盡意。」

馬太福音 22:37,SBL 希臘文新約(CC BY 4.0)

「把心放在神裡」,就是去愛;約翰一書甚至說神就是愛(約翰一書 4:8)。

我引這些經文,是當作有啟發的提示,而不是證明。它們指向的,是每個人都曾從內部經歷過的事,在嬰兒時期最為純粹,那時還沒有任何帳目:信任、回應、給予,不加計算。這無需經典來確認,所以其他任何視角都是可選的:

從物質的角度看,
一連串生化反應導致了那次指控。

從靈性的角度看,
它可能是撒旦或上帝的考驗。

從佛法的角度看,
也許是我過去世的業報成熟了。

從心理學的角度看,
牽涉其中的人或許有過受虐的成長經歷。

這些都可能是真的,而沒有一個會改變對我的要求:出於愛與真誠去行動。

要運用這一點,我不需要先解決任何形而上學的問題。我把這裡的「神」理解為某個傳統對一個人最看重之物的稱呼,來自其他傳統、或沒有傳統的讀者,可以填上自己的詞。事實上,這篇文章的實踐意涵並不在乎你的神學立場(或沒有立場),這正是重點:你不必完全理解,就能以可自我驗證的方式完整地行動。這就像我們能看見東西,卻不必知道光如何運作、落在眼中何處、如何被轉換成生化與電訊號、最後又如何抵達視覺皮層。這種根本而實際的生活方式,涵蓋整個神學光譜,從無神論到泛神論。


三句老話裡的一條線

有三句話,我記了好些年,卻一直沒看出它們的共同點。共同點就是:它們都不是交易。

一、感受。《大學》說,誠意就是不自欺,並給出了一個比喻:

所謂誠其意者,

所謂讓自己的意念真誠,

毋自欺也。

就是不要欺騙自己。

如惡惡臭,

就像厭惡難聞的臭味,

如好好色。

就像喜愛美麗的顏色。

禮記·大學

你不會去權衡喜愛一種美麗的顏色有什麼好處,也不會去權衡厭惡一股惡臭有什麼壞處。感應先於一切,也不需要理由。

一朵沾滿露珠的粉色牡丹
美麗的顏色。沒有人會先權衡得失。 攝影:Randi Hausken,CC BY-SA 2.0,來自維基共享資源。

二、給予。在《金剛經》裡,佛陀告訴須菩提菩薩應當如何布施:

復次,須菩提,

अपि तु खलु पुनः सुभूते

還有,須菩提,

菩薩於法,應無所住,行於布施。

न बोधिसत्त्वेन वस्तुप्रतिष्ठितेन दानं दातव्यम्, न क्वचित्प्रतिष्ठितेन दानं दातव्यम्।

菩薩對於一切事物,都應當不執著於任何東西地去布施。

所謂不住色布施,

न रूपप्रतिष्ठितेन दानं दातव्यम्।

也就是不執著於形色而布施,

不住聲、香、味、觸、法布施。

न शब्दगन्धरसस्प्रष्टव्यधर्मेषु प्रतिष्ठितेन दानं दातव्यम्।

不執著於聲音、氣味、味道、觸感和心中的念頭而布施。

須菩提,菩薩應如是布施,

एवं हि सुभूते बोधिसत्त्वेन महासत्त्वेन दानं दातव्यं

須菩提,菩薩應當這樣布施,

不住於相。

यथा न निमित्तसंज्ञायामपि प्रतितिष्ठेत्।

不執著於任何表象。

金剛般若波羅蜜經,鳩摩羅什漢譯,並列梵文《金剛般若波羅蜜多》(P. L. Vaidya 校本,1961)。「不住相布施」是通行的簡稱。

兩者很接近,但有一處差別,我覺得很有意味。漢譯以「相」(外相、表象)結尾,梵文則以 nimitta-saṃjñā 結尾,意思是對「相」的觀念。所以菩薩不可安住的,不只是施者、受者與所施之物這交換的三方,還包括「確有這些東西」的想法。不住,就是不記帳。

三、信任。最後是 Thomas 堅持要先看見才肯信之後,歸於耶穌的那句話:

λέγει αὐτῷ ὁ Ἰησοῦς·

耶穌對他說:

Ὅτι ἑώρακάς με πεπίστευκας;

「你因看見了我才信嗎?

μακάριοι οἱ μὴ ἰδόντες

沒有看見

καὶ πιστεύσαντες.

就信的人有福了。」

約翰福音 20:29,SBL 希臘文新約(CC BY 4.0)。

等待證據,會把信任變成購買:先讓我看到貨,我再付錢。先信,則是把這段關係當作合同之外的東西。

給予與交易的區別,可以從孟子對聖王舜的描述中看出來:

舜明於庶物,察於人倫;

舜通曉萬物的道理,明察人倫關係;

由仁義行,

他是順著仁義而行事,

非行仁義也。

而不是刻意去實行仁義。

孟子·離婁下(4B19)

「行仁義」是在算帳:看這個人從前做過什麼,這類人通常怎麼做,過去哪種回應有效,然後生產出合適的行為。它可以和愛看起來一模一樣,也可以是為了某種效果而表演,比如顯得慷慨、拉攏對方、或讓自己覺得是個好人。「由仁義行」則是行為從源頭流出,不論資料怎麼說。

我並不是說計算不重要。但最好的演算法是能當場適應的那個,而我認為只有真誠才做得到。它幾乎像是一種自然的反應。這正是「如好好色」所指的,也是我為什麼總回到這個問題:不是「我的行為好嗎?」,而是「我是從哪裡出發的?」

所以我的主張是:感受、給予與信任是同一種能力,朝向三個方向。它是不期待以證據、回報或認可作為酬勞,也不因害怕神的懲罰或業報而行動的能力。而且它不是出廠設定。和味覺、聽覺一樣,不加訓練就是遲鈍的。


並非憑衝動行事

「不憑理由行事」可以有兩種非常不同的意思。一個人可能因為從未審視過自己而不講理由;也可能因為把理由都過了一遍,走到了另一頭,而不再需要理由。從外面看,兩者一模一樣。

古人一再指出這種差別。孔子說他十五歲立志於學,到七十歲才能隨心所欲而不逾矩(《論語》2.4)。

順著心走,是五十五年功夫的終點,而不是起點。《莊子》裡的屠夫談他的手藝,說的是同一件事:

始臣之解牛之時,

我剛開始宰牛的時候,

所見无非牛者。

眼中看到的無非是一整頭牛。

三年之後,

三年以後,

未嘗見全牛也。

就再也沒見過完整的牛了。

方今之時,

現在,

臣以神遇而不以目視,

我用精神去接觸牛,而不用眼睛看,

官知止而神欲行。

感官的作用停止了,精神卻隨意運行。

莊子·養生主

一頭褐色的牛,長著淺色的長角,完整地站在牧場上
屠夫第一年看到的:一整頭牛。 攝影:美國國家公園管理局,公有領域,來自維基共享資源。

訓練出來的從容與衝動之間的分別,在於行動背後的自覺。


自動標註系統

對我幫助最大的是這樣一幅畫面。想像一套監視器的自動標註系統,視野裡出現的每個人都被自動貼上標籤並框起來:同事、威脅、友善、指控者。標籤不是你寫的,系統自己運轉。被指控之後,系統給那個人換上了新標籤,我此後所做的一切都從它出發。

肯亞納庫魯的繁忙街道,每個人、背包、手提包、汽車與卡車都被彩色方框框起,並附有標籤與信心分數
自動標註系統運作中:每個人與每件物品都有方框、標籤與分數,而且沒有人寫過這些標籤。 攝影:Victor Kibiwott,CC BY-SA 4.0,來自維基共享資源。方框與標籤由開源物件偵測器 YOLOv8 加上。

我認為這就是《金剛經》所說的「相」。住相,就是把標籤當成了那個人本身。

看見這一點是頓時的。前一刻你還把標籤當成世界本身,下一刻你發現原來有一套標註系統在運轉。而改變這套系統是緩慢的。標籤來自多年養成的習慣,不會在你看見的那天消失。禪宗對這種組合有個舊名字,叫「頓悟漸修」,宗密主張兩者並非對手:

頓漸非唯不相乖,

頓悟與漸修不但不互相違背,

反而乃互相資也。

反而彼此相互成就。

宗密,禪源諸詮集都序

就我的情形而言,頓悟的部分是放下那些問題。漸修的部分在其後。警報系統不斷亮起,對那些「事件」發出警告,要穩住航向,需要真正的心力。我表現得好像它從未發生,但這不是假裝警報沒響。我注意到了它,沒有聽從它,也沒有往帳上添一筆。努力的地方,就是訓練發生的地方。

因為我做軟體,所以有一種說法對我來說講得通。標籤是一個我從未選擇過其權重的模型的輸出。若從唯物的角度看,這些權重不過是從生物學上的父母那裡繼承、又被過往經歷塑造的神經通路。我的目標,以真誠待人,也來自這些權重。它是多年學習、閱讀聖賢之言並深切思索所灌輸的,我不是生而知之。一旦灌輸進去,它就可以被固定為目標,讓其他權重圍繞它來調整。這篇文章意在成為同類的輸入,希望在你心裡點燃同樣的火花。把問題轉回自己身上,就像反向傳播:不責怪資料,而是把誤差沿著我自己的權重傳回去並加以調整。以交易的方式待人,就像最佳化一個代理指標,如感激或名聲,而不是它所代表的那樣東西。

保持源頭清澈,而非清理溪流

《壇經》中那場著名的對答,為這份努力畫出了一幅圖。神秀先寫:

身是菩提樹,

身體是菩提樹,

心如明鏡臺。

心像明亮的鏡臺。

時時勤拂拭,

要時時勤奮地擦拭,

勿使惹塵埃。

不要讓它沾上塵埃。

神秀,壇經(敦煌本)

慧能回答:

菩提本無樹,

菩提原本就沒有樹,

明鏡亦無臺。

明鏡也沒有臺。

佛性常清淨,

佛性本來就是清淨的,

何處有塵埃。

哪裡會有塵埃呢?

慧能,壇經(敦煌本)

把鏡子換成一條溪來看。散落在溪流沿途的雜物就是神秀的灰塵,親手清理就是他的拂拭。慧能的「佛性常清淨」就是那眼泉:源頭本已清澈,流動的水無處讓灰塵落腳。他不否認雜物會出現,他否認清理雜物是功夫所在,而把人指回源頭,源頭只需要繼續流動。而把人指回源頭,源頭只需要繼續流動。

所以你不必壓制這些生理警報,也不必與之對抗;力氣用在別處。把重心放在真誠與慈悲上,保持泉源清澈、穩定地湧流,而不是憂心、或親手清理散落的雜物。

森林中一池清澈的翠綠泉水

流動的泉

佛羅里達州 Ichetucknee Springs。佛羅里達州政府,T. Scott 攝,公有領域,來自維基共享資源。

樹林中乾涸的溪床,佈滿石塊與落枝

水已停流的河床

北威爾士 Loggerheads 附近。攝影:Rept0n1x,CC BY-SA 3.0,來自維基共享資源。

流動的水自會保持清澈。水停了的河床,落進什麼就留著什麼。

這首偈既是形而上學,也是實用的建議。慧能是聽到《金剛經》的「應無所住而生其心」而開悟的,這正是上文「不住相布施」背後的那一句,而這一句是關於如何生活的指示,不只是對實相的陳述。

我最終發現,障礙是我自己的心。我相信那件事在我們兩人的腦中都留下了凹痕(杏仁核把它標為威脅,海馬體歸檔它的情境),但我自己心裡的障礙,是我能夠化解的那一個。被指控之後,事情先變糟,才好轉:我對 John (化名)的看法,連同這段關係,都變酸了。系統給 John 貼的標籤很響亮:指控者,冤枉無辜的人。我用盡全力抵抗那片噪音,對抗那些把我往後拉的生理束縛,像指控從未發生過一樣開啟了一次交談,而 John 也像什麼都沒發生過一樣與我說話。社交上與心理上的隔閡在自身的重量下坍塌,系統貼在 John 身上的偏見也淡去了。只要持續穩定地流動,溪流自會淨化自己。

這道障礙究竟是純粹心理的、純粹社交的,還是兩者兼有,是隻存在於我的感知還是真實存在,都不重要。重要的是那種解脫:不必因為一件不愉快的事而壓抑自己的真誠。那就像因為一場暴風雪而把壁爐熄滅:荒謬之極。

這份解脫並不取決於 John 的回應。就算 John 一直冷淡,我依然會感受到它,因為它來自我知道自己沒有讓外在環境扼殺我的真誠,來自與自己相安。John 的溫暖是受歡迎的額外之物,不是報酬。

與此同時,我的身體照常運作。交感—腎上腺髓質系統向血液注入腎上腺素,HPA 軸(下丘腦—垂體—腎上腺)隨後釋放皮質醇,我身體繃緊。然而在深處,不論那個地方是物理的、形而上的、兩者兼具還是別的什麼,那份解脫都能被感受到。


從哪裡開始

這就剩下實際的問題。如果我還沒達到「如惡惡臭,如好好色」,該怎麼開始?有兩步。

1. 要有目標。古人的說法是「立志」。程頤稱它為根本,並說明了所需的條件:

所謂立志者,

所謂立志,

至誠一心,

就是以最真誠的心專一於此,

以道自任,

把「道」當作自己的責任,

以聖人之訓為可必信。

並且堅信聖人的教誨一定可信。

程頤,近思錄,卷八

王陽明在對學生的教誨開頭也講了同樣的要點:立志要做聖人,你就成為聖人。慧能對五祖說,他來此別無他求。

對初學者而言,這個目標正是《中庸》在最後一節勾勒的那個:

能盡其性,則能盡人之性;

能發揮自己的本性,就能幫助他人發揮本性;

能盡人之性,則能盡物之性;

能幫助他人發揮本性,就能幫助萬物發揮本性;

能盡物之性,則可以贊天地之化育。

能幫助萬物發揮本性,就可以輔助天地化育萬物。

禮記·中庸,第二十二章

之所以說這個目標是對初學者而言,是因為對聖人來說,自己、他人、萬物與天之間沒有界線,沒有什麼需要從外面去瞄準。

我請你憑信任接受這個目標,就像程頤說「以聖人之訓為可必信」那樣。不要像哲學家那樣停在「到底該問什麼才是對的問題?」上。那又是無休止的審計,而聖賢早已走過這條路。

2. 堅持到底,莫忘初衷。無論處境如何,都守住目標。孟子給出了這種姿態:

夭壽不貳,

不論短命或長壽都不改變心志,

修身以俟之,

修養自身來等待天命,

所以立命也。

這就是安立自己命運的方法。

孟子·盡心上(7A1)。現代常寫作「夭壽不二」;貳指懷有二心。有些版本把夭寫作殀。

壽命是終極的回報,拒絕讓它改變你的路線,就是拒絕終極的交易。

但是,刻意選定的目標看起來就像我警告過的那種計算。一開始確實如此,感覺刻意而不自然,《中庸》給這個階段起了專門的名字:

誠者,天之道也;

真誠是上天的道理;

誠之者,人之道也。

努力做到真誠,是人的道理。

誠者,不勉而中,不思而得,從容中道,聖人也;

真誠的人,不用勉強就能做對,不用思考就能得到,從容自然地合於道,這就是聖人;

誠之者,擇善而固執之者也。

努力做到真誠的人,是選擇善並牢牢堅持的人。

禮記·中庸,第二十章

所以,目標、刻意的努力與笨拙,都屬於人之道。終點是不再帶有任何交易色彩的真誠。王陽明在註解上面那句孟子時,描述了這兩個階段:

「知天」,如「知州」、「知縣」之「知」,

「知天」的「知」,就像「知州」、「知縣」的「知」,

是自己分上事,己與天為一。

是自己分內的事,自己與天合而為一。

……

……

至於夭壽不貳其心,

至於不論短命長壽都不動搖心志,

乃是教學者一心為善,

是教導學習的人一心向善,

不可以窮通夭壽之故,便把為善的心變動了,

不可因為困厄、順遂或壽命長短,就改變了向善的心,

只去修身以俟命。

只管修養自身,等待天命。

王陽明,傳習錄·上

陽明在最後幾句裡給出了學習者的任務:把心定在行善上,不讓困厄或順遂動搖它。這呼應了上文的「擇善而固執之」。官銜中的「知」字意為主管,所以「知天」就是把天的工作,即養育眼前的一切,當作自己的事。那是理想的境界:目標已融入本性,報酬的問題不再出現。

目標是什麼?《大學》開篇就說了:

大學之道,

大學的宗旨,

在明明德,

在於彰顯光明的德性,

在親民,

在於親近民眾,

在止於至善。

在於安住於最高的善。

禮記·大學

這三句通常被稱為「三綱領」,但我覺得把它們讀作同一個目標的三個面向更好。「明明德」是內在的光,一顆清明到足以看見自身動機的心。「親民」是這光向外照耀,讓身邊的人真正過得更好。「止於至善」是無條件地安住於至善,而「夭壽不貳」守護的正是這一點。目標並不是先清明、後仁慈。

請注意,「親民」是從中心向外輻射的,從離你最近的人開始。我不認為這是需要去設計的。如果光是真的,輻射自會隨之而來。最近的人也是最難的考驗,因為帳本在那裡運轉得最活躍。

福音書用兩句話說出了同一個目標,是我所知最樸素的表述。當被問到哪條誡命最大時,耶穌給出了前面引過的那條,要盡心、儘性、盡意愛神,然後加上第二條:

δευτέρα δὲ ὁμοία αὐτῇ·

「其次也相仿:

Ἀγαπήσεις τὸν πλησίον σου ὡς σεαυτόν.

要愛鄰舍如同自己。

ἐν ταύταις ταῖς δυσὶν ἐντολαῖς

這兩條誡命

ὅλος ὁ νόμος κρέμαται καὶ οἱ προφῆται.

是律法和先知一切道理的總綱。」

馬太福音 22:39–40,SBL 希臘文新約(CC BY 4.0)

看看缺了什麼。沒有「如果」,也沒有「因為」。它沒有說如果鄰舍值得、如果他們回報你的愛、或為了你會得到獎賞才去愛他們,愛神也一樣。「如同自己」設定的是尺度,不是價碼。給出的唯一依據是說話的人。這和程頤是同一個動作:目標是憑信任接受的,而不是從別的什麼推匯出來的。不把耶穌視為權威的讀者,仍然能看出其中的形狀:一個不帶任何交易成分的目標。

這並不意味著其他誡命不重要。經文說的是整部律法和先知「懸掛」在這兩條上,像外套掛在釘子上,保羅也得出同樣的結論:愛是不加害於鄰舍,所以愛就是滿全律法(羅馬書 13:10)。其餘的誡命不是要與前兩條並列逐一去做的第二張清單。守住這兩條,它們便隨之得到滿足。

帳本最喜歡的招數,是把目標縮窄到足以為我開脫。在路加福音的版本裡,發問的人想要為自己辯護,於是問:「誰是我的鄰舍呢?」(路加福音 10:29)這又是審計,這次用在「誰值得我愛」這個問題上。在我的故事裡,答案簡單得令人不安:John 就是我身邊的那個人,而這條誡命沒有給指控過我的人留下例外。

這是我的解讀,不是在斷言這段話對最初聽眾的意義。無條件地愛神,對應「止於至善」;無條件地愛鄰舍,對應「親民」。兩條誡命,就像三個面向,是從不同側面看到的同一個目標。

同樣的結構,即先有功夫、其餘隨之而來,也幫助我理解了一句理學口號:「存天理,滅人慾」。我曾把它讀成兩種功夫,一種是培養善,一種是與惡作戰。現在我把它讀成一種功夫及其結果。「存天理」是功夫。滅掉自私的慾望,是功夫真實時隨之而來的結果。孟子說出了其中的機制:

先立乎其大者,

先確立心中重大的根本,

則其小者弗能奪也。

那麼次要的事物就奪不走它。

孟子·告子上(6A15)

這又是泉水與雜物的畫面。親手滅欲是神秀的拂拭,讓源頭保持流動才是功夫。如果功夫是真的,慾望不必被一個個追殺,自然失去它的控制力。反過來也成立:只與慾望作戰的人,已把作戰當成了目標,帳本又回來了,只不過現在記的是自己抵抗得有多好。

由於「憑衝動行事」與「憑清明行事」從內部感覺一模一樣,我向外檢驗:身邊的人是否真的過得更好,當沒有人注意、或沒有任何回報時,我的目標是否還守得住;即便如此,這個檢驗也需要幾點提防。


要真誠,不要天真

γίνεσθε οὖν φρόνιμοι ὡς οἱ ὄφεις

所以你們要靈巧像蛇,

καὶ ἀκέραιοι ὡς αἱ περιστεραί.

馴良像鴿子。

馬太福音 10:16,SBL 希臘文新約(CC BY 4.0)

這只是一個個案。我講的是發生在我身上的事,以及我如何回應。我並不主張真誠總能化解衝突,也不主張它應當取代其他回應。

這不意味著從不行動。沒有目標的行動是盲目的,而目標很簡單:我能做些什麼,把這個人再往他最大的自我實現推一步?同樣的問題適用於一切,不只是人,《中庸》從真誠出發,把這條鏈向外延伸:

唯天下至誠,為能盡其性;

只有天下最真誠的人,才能充分發揮自己的本性;

能盡其性,則能盡人之性;

能發揮自己的本性,就能幫助他人發揮本性;

能盡人之性,則能盡物之性;

能幫助他人發揮本性,就能幫助萬物發揮本性;

能盡物之性,則可以贊天地之化育。

能幫助萬物發揮本性,就可以輔助天地化育萬物。

禮記·中庸,第二十二章

在我的情形裡,答案是不需要再採取行動。在別的情形裡,設立界限、糾正或拒絕可能才是對的那一推,對行為不當的人也是如此。我改變的是帳本,而不是關於是否回應的規則。

這不意味著放棄理解。愛告訴我瞄準什麼,卻沒告訴我怎麼命中。光靠愛與真誠,沒有人能做好飯:技巧必須學,傾聽、談判、不帶殘酷地設立界限也一樣。這種學習就是蛇的靈巧。那種不停歇的心理審計,對自己和他人動機的持續裁決,會自己繼續執行,我不試圖讓它停下。我只是不把最終決定權交給它,並把注意力放在泉源上。審計作為次要的資料是受歡迎的,但最後的決斷落在良知上,有些傳統稱之為神。我通過問這一推來自哪裡來檢驗這個決斷:為了幫助某人成長而設的界限,與為了懲罰他而設的同一道界限,是兩種不同的行為。

檢驗只和檢驗的人一樣清晰。昏暗的心會寬容地解讀自己的倒影。所以我要看的是我身邊的人身上發生了什麼,而不只是我自己的感覺。

以非交易為目標,也可能變成交易。「我無私地給予,是為了成為更好的人」,仍然是一樁買賣。《金剛經》預見了這一點:

如是滅度無量無數無邊眾生,

एवमपरिमाणानपि सत्त्वान् परिनिर्वाप्य

像這樣度化了無量無數無邊的眾生,

實無眾生得滅度者。

न कश्चित्सत्त्वः परिनिर्वापितो भवति।

實際上卻沒有任何眾生被度化。

金剛般若波羅蜜經,第三品,梵文取自 Vaidya 校本

就連「我在利益他人」,也可能變成一個相,一幅把自己當作施恩者的畫像。我不認為我已經解決了這個問題。我只是儘量在自己這樣做的時候注意到。


簡短版本

真誠是與生俱來的,但是不加培養愛護,它始終如一個遲鈍的感官,無法感應,無法化己化人。培養它只需兩步:立志做聖人,然後堅持到底,莫忘初衷。

出處

除原文外,譯文均為筆者自譯。關於這些文本的幾點說明: